August 10, 2006: Bee bites
I’m very irked when somebody complains that they were bitten by a bee. Every time somebody says this I’m coerced into imaging an enraged bee landing on their arm with the intent to cause acute pain—but instead of actually using its stinger, which it has spent millions of years evolving for precisely this situation, it takes a dainty nibble with its miniscule insect mouth. What a ridiculous image you have burdened me with. While these people are tenderly messaging their bee wound I like to condescendingly explain that they weren’t bitten at all, but stung. I’ll say, “If you were only bitten, your deadly bee allergies wouldn’t be reacting like they are right now and you wouldn’t be struggling to breathe, you idiot.” Then they turn pale and lose consciousness from embarrassment of their error.